5-26-03 3:03 AM

I can't breath.

My lungs are full of some horrible itchy fluid, my nose is full of snot, and I have a migraine. Plus, I obviously can't sleep. I want to stick a knife into my chest and let the shit out of my lungs ... they itch. The left side of my head feels like its going to burst, and a torrent of blood and puss and vomit is going to pour out onto the floor. I'm going to hack up a lung. My left eye is going to pop. I'm going to snuff it.

I can't breath.

I want to pass out, but I can't.

Fuck SARS.

5-22-03 7:09 PM

 I'm sick and I'm in a bad fucking mood. And the school is pissing me off.

First the fucking idiots who run this shitpile decide that they are going to militarily enforce their retarded cell phone ban. Basically, you're allowed to have a cell phone, so long as they don't see it. What kind of sense does that make. And then they dedicate manpower to enforcing this bullshit when their is open fighting, drug dealing, and racism going on in our school. Idiots. And I know that I try not to say things about specific people, but Mrs. Moran is a fucking Nazi bitch. She never actually did anything to me, but I from what I see her doing, I have come to that conclusion. What a bitch.

And then they decide to add extra emphasis to their enforcement of their ban on headbands. You see, obviously, if the headband isn't holding up hair, it is a gang symbol. So moving it up an inch turns it into something else? RETARDED!!!!!!

Fucking idiots. And now I have to go to some stupid Board of Ed. meeting and accept some award from these bastards. The very act of allowing them to bestow and award unto me implies that they are somehow inherently superior to me; obviously, this is crap, since they are wasting their lives working for the fucking Board of Ed. Losers.

Speaking of worthless losers, that fucking fat pedophile bastard who makes sure you get to lunch on time is a piece of shit that is overdue for a thousand heart attacks. So we're all walking to lunch, and that fat mess calls out, "You have one minute left." So we keep walking at the same pace, since we could easily make it to lunch in a minute where we were standing. In about twenty seconds, he fucking yells out "Ok, you're all late." So, right to him, I yell "You lying bastard, you said we had a minute." He's too fucking stupid to realize I just called him a lying bastard, and he just radios the worthless aid that he is sending four kids down to get lates. So when I get to the idiot aide, I write down the name "Ben Andover", and am on my way. Idiots. They are too stupid to even get me in trouble.

What a bunch of stupid fat fucks. Why don't they just do us all a favor and wipe themselves out.

5-17-03 12:38 AM

I just finished watching Requiem for a Dream.

As Samuel Johnson said about Othello, "It is not to be endured." I don't think I can watch that movie again. It is too painful.

If they showed it during Health class, the drug problem in the United States would all but disappear; that is the magnitude of the horror it portrays.

I'm lost for words.

5-15-03 10:36 PM

Ok, let's get this crystal fucking clear: If you think that The Matrix Reloaded is a bad movie, you are wrong. Period. Just wrong.

Basically, this is what happened to you. You experienced all the hype around the movie, and thought, "This is way too much hype over a fucking movie, it must be terrible." So you went into the theater expecting crap; being that your mind was about as open as a puritan's sex life, you hated the movie.

You wanted so badly for it to be bad, so that you could feel superior to all those "losers" who liked it. Oh, I'm sorry, did it not delve deep enough into Eastern mysticism for you? Give me a fucking break. The plot (which everyone seems to enjoy lampooning) kicked ass, although it is confusing and enigmatic. Maybe if you took a second to think about what was going on instead of just dismissing it as stupid because you didn't get it, you'd realize that there is more going on that you think.

Now, I'm not saying that this movie is as good as the first one, or even that it is amazing, but to call it bad is just a misguided act of retribution against the hype. Don't play into the hype, but don't base your decision about a movie on your backlash against it.

You are wrong.

5-13-03 11:03 PM

I take back everything I said in my post from two days ago; Techno is not the new Classical. At all.

I don't know what I was thinking; actually, yes I do: I was thinking nothing, because I had a headache. That is the only common thread that these two genres share: they can both help get rid of my headache. Other than that, they are unrelated.

You see, what I somehow - in the stupor of my pain - failed to realize was that good classical music has something that almost no techno has: emotion. Again prodded by a movie (Amadeus), I download a recording of Mozart's Requiem, and was subsequently amazed. While techno can be pretty, this was beautiful. Just like all truly great music, the classics are packed with emotion. That is what separates a song from a masterpiece. I'm so ashamed of making the mistake of confusing Genius with Mediocrity, even for a second. FUCK. I HATE HEADACHES.

 I'm rambling, but it's because I'm so excited that there is a whole entire genre that, in my mind, is completely unexplored.

I might even find something that compares to the ungodly beauty that is Pink Floyd. Maybe ... for nothing I have ever heard can give me the reaction that "Shine on you Crazy Diamond" gives me. There are literarily parts during that song where I am overwhelmed; if you know me, you can realize what kind of power the song must have if it can cause an emotional response that strong in me.

On a side note, my newfound admiration of the classical music that I had arrogantly scorned for years has rekindled my passion for stereo equipment. Aside from my obsession with cars, stereo equipment holds the highest place in my list of material fetishes. So, I was reading back issues of Audiophile Audition, a webmag that reviews stereo equipment costing more than some houses, and I came across a review of my beloved Klipsch 2.1s. I was bracing for a scathing review about how they were an ear bleed, since they only cost $200, which is some orders of magnitude away from the prices of the other speakers that they reviewed; to my pleasure and surprise, the review loved them! He said that nothing in that price range even comes close to the quality from these units. Nothing feels better than having your purchasing decisions reaffirmed by experts. Yay!

Hmm .. what else. I think it's time for me to get new headphones. I've always wanted Grado SR-60s, and I think its time for me to spend the cash and get a pair of Audiophile quality headphones. My Sony MDR-605s have served me well, but I need something with more fidelity, even if it is at the expense of some bass. Oh well ... maybe I'll use my 605s for techno and rock, and SR-60s for classical. And why the hell am I thinking out loud right now? I'm sorry. Good Night.

5-11-03 12:48 PM

Yesterday I watched – for the hundredth time – A Clockwork Orange. Needless to say, it’s still amazing.

As you know if you have ever watched this movie – and if you haven’t yet, it’s about time – the protagonist’s main love, aside from ultraviolance and the old in-out, is Beethoven. Now, being that this character is one of my all-time favorites, I figured that maybe there is something to this whole Beethoven / Classical Music thing.

Since I am a nearly obsessive collector of music, I just happened to have a good portion of Beethoven’s symphonies on my computer, and decided to listen to the one that is used in the movie: the ninth.

Immediately, I was thunderstruck by a profound feeling of Déjà vu’; I had experienced this feeling before, but could not quite place it. And then it came to me: trance!

Yes, trance music – as in, techno that isn’t really for dancing – causes the same response as does classical. They are the same thing, just coming from different instruments and times. Now obviously, there are different types of trance music and different types of classical, and I am not qualified to discuss the intricacies of either; however, my limited experience with the genres does suggest to me that they do overlap. Regardless of how different the two genres really are, most of the perceived difference between them comes from the social baggage that is associated with each: trance is considered new and rebellious, while classical is considered old, intellectual, and stuffy.

But when I listen to music, I don’t listen to that music’s image, I listen to its notes. Therefore, I now freely intersperse classical and trance is my play lists.

5-7-03 11:00 PM

Ilona Ruhl Rules. (I love puns ... er ... something).

So, anyway, having gotten that off my chest, I'd like to make a blog-esque post. I haven't made one in a while, and feel like I have saturated this site with just about enough philosophical rambling to justify writing whatever the hell I please. But you can stop reading now if you aren't interested about my insignificant little life right now; I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to read about this section of my life when they are writing biographies about me.

So hmm .. what has been happening in my life? Actually ... good things, and lots of them.

If somebody would like to remind me of the last time I actually did any work, feel free to do so, since that seems like an ancient memory scrawled in chalk in some cave in my head. I think I'm getting a solid 20% right now in Biology, which is cool, considering that I don't care. AP tests are a giant joke: English was unchallenging, Stat was obviously written for people with Down's Syndrome, and I'm assuming that I'm going to anally violate the Biology test. Nothing about school can even start to bother me. Example: While AP tests are going on, Mr. Moran assigns a new book, and there are two chapters and a prep due tomorrow. Now, not too long ago, I would have been cursing my head of, but now, HA. I love it. I'll read the chapters after I finish this update, and then I'll write the prep in the morning. Without any stress. It's great.

Being that school is obviously no longer a concern, I can occupy my time with things that actually matter to me, like the Matts, Ilona, and (most of all) DDR. Now, the only problem that I am having is that all three of these things invariably consume my financial resources, which are currently dwindling. I am spending money at a rate of close to $100 per week, and have nothing to show for it; I've just been eating out way to often. Oh well, I think that the enjoyment that I get out of spending my money far supercedes any joy I could get by hoarding it. So whatever ... I'll just start looking for a job.

On that subject, I haven't really planned out what I'm going to do this summer; I've been so preoccupied with enjoying myself and thinking about college that I forgot that there will be a time between the end of my life at EBHS and the beginning of my life at NYU. I have to occupy this time somehow. Whatever.

Ok, if you are still reading, I congratulate you on getting this far. Good Job! Now I will conclude by saying that I will try and think of something intelligent to say for my next post, since I am fairly sure that you are not entertained or mentally stimulated right now. Goodbye.

5-4-03 12:46 AM

What is the difference between boredom and relaxation?

I have been trying to figure this one out for a while, and I have come to the conclusion that the difference is purely one of perception. The physical states that are demarcated by the labels of boredom and relaxation are one and the same: doing nothing. When one is overloaded by the tedium of life, one wishes to relax: to do nothing. However, when one is finally given the opportunity to do nothing, on looks for something to do, as to alleviate one’s newfound state of boredom. At least this is what happens to my friends and me; I think that it is not unreasonable to assume that most people, in fact, are like this.

Being that the difference between the two states is an internal one, it should theoretically be possible to pass from one state to the other through purely internal means; merely by thinking of one’s freedom from action in a positive light, one can transform boredom into relaxation, without ever modifying anything other than themselves. In reality, however, accomplishing this mental transfiguration is relatively difficult if done unassisted; it is often easier to perform if an external stimulus is used to replace one’s thoughts of boredom. For me, this stimulus is music; by allowing my mind to be permeated with music, I can make myself perceive my down time as relaxation as opposed to boredom.

Developing the ability to perform this transformation could be a valuable asset, because the constant perception of boredom is draining, both emotionally and financially. Because I have, over the years, been infected by the concept that relaxing is somehow a waste of time, I have equated this with boredom; in this way, my mind prevents me from relaxing, and instead occupies itself with more active alternatives. The alternatives usually involve spending money on activities which I pursue for stimulation, as opposed to for pleasure; I waste money “doing something” just for the sake of not doing nothing. Once I can break from the habit of considering any time spent doing nothing as time spent wallowing in boredom, I can stop wasting money on trivial distractions, and give myself an opportunity to relax.

5-3-03 1:09 AM

I have decided (tentatively) that, whether I enjoy it or not, I have to double major in physics and philosophy. I'm sure you already know why Physics is on the list (it is to me what God is to most other people). I will post my college essay on this subject when I feel like it. My purpose today is to explain why philosophy is on the list.

For the most part, philosophy is complete crap. Most people who call themselves philosophers are nothing more than overstuffed morons who are infatuated with their own psychobabble. I hate these people. Moving on, there is a minority of philosophers who are unbelievably brilliant. They are capable of putting into words the feelings that people have about the meaning of their own existences. I have no delusions of being destined to be one of there great thinkers; however, I respect them immensely, and wish to one day make a small contribution to their craft.

Which still doesn't explain why I want to study philosophy. Just because a discipline encompasses some brilliant thinkers does not automatically make it worth my time and effort. Anyway, one does not have to study philosophy to make philosophical statements.

The reason that I want to study philosophy is because of one fact. I do a lot of philosophizing on my own, but because of my ignorance about the history of the subject, whenever I come to some interesting conclusion, I have a horrible nagging feeling that someone has already come to this very same conclusion. I feel that someone was there before me, but I can't be sure. It's a very dirty feeling to have, especially if one is proud of one's philosophical musings, as I sometimes am. Therefore, I can never be truly happy with any conclusion I reach, since I am tormented by the possibility that my seemingly virgin idea is actually a dirty worn-out whore.

That is why I need to learn philosophy. When I have a sufficient background in the subject I will be able to distinguish my own original ideas from those that have already been proposed. Obviously, there are other benefits of a philosophical education, but the peace of mind that it brings is by far the best.

BTW, in case any of this sounds familiar, it is because the tracks for this train of thought were laid by my English teacher Mr. Moran, who noted that people who have not read enough cannot possibly create original work, because they do not have enough literary background to break away from. I have molded this concept to fit my own philosophical ends, just as I plan to do with the concepts that I learn from my planned double major.