3-31-04 6:53 AM

Well, I tried to go to sleep, but to no avail.

It's funny. I'm experiencing some occasional mild and vague auditory hallucinations of people calling my name. Also, I have a headache from playing to much DDR.

I'm definitely trying to ruin myself.

3-31-04 4:43 AM

Why on earth am I pulling an all-nighter just to write an essay which was due on the 29th anyway? I don't even care about this essay. It is shit. And even if it weren't shit, it would get a shitty grade because the instructor for my writing course doesn't agree with me about what an essay should be; basically, I'm screwed grade-wise no matter what, and I don't care about this essay enough to make it good for my own pride.

I think that at this point I am just trying to ruin my mind and body in as few blows as possible.

Well, to delay the completion of that essay, I might as well retell an interesting story that occurred yesterday.

Jed and I went to the port authority to play some DDR (no surprise there). When we got there, there was already a kid playing. So, as DDR people usually do, we exchanged pleasantries, and talked about trifling DDR crap for most of our time together. Eventually, the conversation turned to the fact that we all cut classes a lot and have HW to do ... standard slacker talk. Eventually, the kid asks me what school I go to. So I tell him, NYU. Well, turns out that he goes to NYU too. So, naturally, I ask him what his major is. Now here is where it gets interesting. The kid is Physics / Engineering major. Now, upon finding out that I am a Physics / Math major, he cannot believe what he is hearing. Apparently, the entirety of NYU only has 52 Physics majors total ... including double majors, so the chances of running into one while playing DDR are pretty slim. So that was cool.

So now, I actually know someone who is taking Physics at NYU. Woot! DDR comes through for me again.

Um, yeah, that's all for now, I guess. O, one more thing. Here is a link to follow: http://homepages.nyu.edu/~sej223/. It is the website of Sasha, with whom it looks like I shall be rooming next year. This is the mythical "only smart kid at NYU" that I keep referring to in conversation, if any of you were listening. Occasionally, parts of his site are actually done by his current roommate, Gary, so be aware of those transitions. Enjoy.

3-30-04 2:12 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Stupid mother fuckers!

Without any mention or hint of a change or an error on their part, those assholes at CNN changed the first quote from the previous update to:

"It is the first time a supersonic-combustion ramjet, or scramjet, which burns hydroxen mixed with oxygen from the atmosphere, had traveled so fast, flight engineer Lawrence Huebner told reporters."

Read that again .... look at the spelling!!! What the hell is HYDROXEN? Now, maybe I'm an idiot, and there really is such a thing, but this doesn't agree with the liturature that I read online about the rocket, so it's wrong anyway.

And they left the second quote as is.

NO, YOU RETARDS .. it still has fuel tanks. It is unburdened by OXYGEN TANKS, not fuel tanks. Idiots.

When you make that kind of mistake, and then surreptitiously fix it, at least do a good job, for the love of science (God)!

Again: sad state of affairs.

3-28-04 9:41 PM

Well, CNN is officially retarded. Read these lovely tidbit from http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/space/03/28/hypersonic.jet.flight/index.html:

"It is the first time a supersonic-combustion ramjet, or scramjet, which uses air for fuel, had traveled so fast, flight engineer Lawrence Huebner told reporters."

"The 'air-breathing' jet was not bogged down with heavy fuel tanks, Huebner said."

Yeah, that air is a wonderful fuel. Why, just the other day I was burning some air, and, boy oh boy, was that fun! Fucking retards.

I mean, honestly, what kind of a degenerate do you have to be to fail to understand that you can't magically burn air? And even if the editor doesn't know any science,  right on the NASA website, two links in from the main page, it says "The unpiloted vehicle's supersonic combustion ramjet, or scramjet, ignited as planned and operated for the duration of its hydrogen fuel supply, which lasted about 10 seconds." How difficult is it to check your sources, fuckrod?

And even worse, they attributed the quotes to engineer Lawrence Huebner. Now, either they are lying, which is inexcusable, or he - the flight engineer - doesn't understand the basic concepts of jet propulsion - and of logic.

As the Doc would say ... What a sad state of affairs.

3-28-04 2:48 AM

It's interesting, the type of thinking that occurs when I go out for my solitary late night skates.

If you know me, then you can already guess that it is some sort of melodramatic introspection, being that, after all, such thoughts are the very purpose of aimlessly cruising around, be it on foot or on blades.

But these is a huge difference between walking and skating. When I walk, I can think in relatively long, developed thoughts. And while my mind inevitably wanders from topic to topic, it does so at its leisure; the walking itself, in fact, serves the purpose of eliminating, rather than providing, outside stimulation. In this relative piece, I can slowly and methodically think about each topic to which my mind wanders.

In contrast, when I skate, the thoughts I have come in fits and starts, and are constantly interrupted by the physical necessity of avoiding obstacles and maintaining balance. Therefore, while the thoughts inevitably turn introspective (as all my solitary thoughts do, expectedly) they do not have time to be properly analyzed and elaborated upon.

This, I realized, is an unexpected blessing; it is, among other things, an excellent way to avoid defense mechanisms. My defense mechanisms work mostly through rationalization. If, for example, the thought pops into my head that I am stupid, I rationalize it away by thinking "but I'm not as stupid as most people, so it's ok" and give the first thought no second thought, to use exceedingly malformed language. However, while skating, the process is a bit different. Right after I think "I am stupid", I think "O shit! Insane cabbie!" and take evasive action. Right after regaining my balance and scowling at the cabbie who just tried to turn me into road kill, I am forced to deal with the initial thought, and now, the rationalization process, if it occurs, occurs on the conscious level, where I am aware of it.

And while I don't really feel like getting into the depths of the type of insights that I gleaned from such interrupted - and paradoxically uninhibited - thinking, I can summarize it by saying that I came to the conclusion that I am completely doomed to failure as any sort of meaningful intellectual endeavor, because I am a simpleton who is utterly incapable of any sort of complexity of thought.

Hmm ... I think that my teen angst is back. More on that later.

3-26-03 2:38 PM

Well ... right now I am really having trouble typing because my hands are shaking wildly, because of Excedrin .. but that isn't the point.

I just went to Washington Square park to study some Linear Algebra. Sometime between determining the volume of a parallelepiped and the determinate of upper left corner submatricies, a pigeon decided to take a shit on my book and my head.

I love NYC!

3-24-04 1:08 PM

FUCK EUROPE.

No really ... I have been pretty good about not putting anything too political up on this site for a while now. After all, I see all the bullshit pseudo-intellectual crap that spews out of the garbage holes of the so called political activists at NYU; at any cost, I avoid being like them. And so, I have tried to comment less on political issues; I realize now that in many cases, what I say may be incorrect, being that I am necessarily deprived of most of the facts.

But there are some things that I cannot avoid anymore, and so, I will say them now.

To the Spanish people, I would like to say that you are a huge motherfucking disgrace. It's already been said in a thousand op-ed pieces, but I'll say it again. Everybody in Spain who gave their vote to the socialists as a result of the bombing is an enormous vagina. That's all there is to it. I won't even get into how stupid, shortsighted, counterproductive, and dangerous that action was; even if all logical thought is thrown out the window and we believe that pulling Spanish support for USA will end terrorism against Spain, even if, because of this election, not another drop of Spanish blood is ever shed again, the vote is still an appalling disgrace. Think about it, for god's sake! These people pulled their support of one of their allies because they themselves did not want to get attacked. "Let the Americans face the wrath of those scary terrorists." Cowards! Filthy stinking cowards.

In fact, the Spanish are worse than the French. At least the French are more snooty than cowardly. I mean, sure, they are surrender-mongers, but they surrendered to the Germans to save their precious art and culture, not necessarily because of fear of death. At least the French, while stupid, are ideological. But the Spanish are just cowards, pure and simple. And they should be ashamed of themselves.

Now, if a country - or even an entire continent - wants to be cowardly, that's its own choice; while I may look down on that choice, I don't really have the right to get mad. On the other hand, when those same countries in that same continent decide that they are going to tell other, less cowardly countries what to do, then I get mad.

And this is, of course, exactly what the disgusting Europeans are doing to Israel. Of course, this is nothing new. For years and years the blatantly Islamist anti-Semites of Europe have been condemning every act of self defense that Israel has ever attempted. (Contrary to what you might believe, I do not absolve Israel of guilt; the settlements should be removed, etc .. but that isn't the point.) However, the latest condemnation is what really makes my blood boil.

With gusto, most of Europe has united in condemning the assassination of the leader of the terrorist group Hamas. Apparently, because the old fuck was in a wheelchair, he was off limits as a target. Excuse me Europe, but WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Shit ... I can't even write I'm so mad. This man organized and lead an organization that murdered countless civilian men, women, and children. But now, because he is a physical invalid, he cannot be killed? Does his old age somehow atone for his sins? Would it have even prevented him from ordering more murders?

I mean really ... sometimes, the criticism of Israel is logical, even if it is rooted in anti-Semitism. But this ... this contains no semblance of logic. It is just blatant, outright, unmasked contempt for Israel and its people, and it is an insult to my intelligence to pass if off as anything else. If Europe wants to support the Arabs in their perennial quest to destroy the state of Israel, that really is their choice, and cannot be criticized. After all, it is any sovereign county's choice who they want to ally with. But if that is the case, Europe should do it in the open and admit that they are anti-Semites who want to see the end of the Jewish state, instead of trying to mask their intent with political flourish, and the pretense of peace.

Obviously, there are other reasons why Europe is a piece of shit, but I'm tired of thinking about them. Nap time.

3-24-04 1:54 AM

It's always nice to step out of your room at night and nearly be suffocated by the amount of weed smoke in the air of the suite.

Apparently one of my suitemates decided that it would impress whatever girl he was with at the time to go into the small, unventilated bathroom and smoke as much herb as humanly possible. I guess he didn't realize that the only place the smoke could go was into the rest of the suite; it smells like a fucking skunk.

Stupid reefer.

3-17-03 12:48 AM

In a curious and rather schmaltzy trend, every shooting star that I had ever seen until a day ago was while in the company of Ilona.

This makes sense, mathematically and psychologically. Mathematically, much of the time I spend outside at night is with her (NYC nights don't count, since there are no stars to be seen.)

Psychologically it makes sense (prepare yourself for cheesiness) because before Ilona, I took all my walks while looking down at the ground. Now that I spend some time looking up, I have more of a chance of seeing shooting stars.

But getting back to the original story: the unbroken streak of Ilona being present at all my shooting star sightings has been broken by none other than Shankar.

In fact, not only did this sighting break the streak, but it was by far the most spectacular one yet. As opposed to the normal blink of light that I call a shooting star, this was a rather substantial meteor, which burned across the entire sky at an alarming rate of speed, broke in half, and then burned and disappeared from view.

When I told Ilona about this, she responded with "Don't talk to me."

And there you have it.

3-8-03 2:15 AM

This update is boring and about nothing, so you can stop reading.

First of all, I am beginning to understand Linear Algebra. Even encumbered by having to use the worst book ever (see previous post), I managed to figure some stuff out, and now it all makes sense. Hurray for me. We'll see if I can apply my newfound understanding to taking the midterm on Wednesday, but for now, at least I am happy.

In other good academic news, I finished a ten page paper entitled "Modern Science: Mathematical Transcendence". In it, I called some guy a "sensory fascist" ... it was quite fun.

Also, and I find this pretty cool, do the following instructions from http://www.pcurtis.com/eicartest.htm:

To make the test virus copy the following string via the clipboard (without any extra returns or spaces) into Notepad and save it as eicar.txt

X5O!P%@AP[4\PZX54(P^)7CC)7}$EICAR-STANDARD-ANTIVIRUS-TEST-FILE!$H+H*

You can highlight the text and and copy directly in most Browsers but take care as copying via the browser screen can give extra spaces or a return at the end which should not be present and need deleting. If you are impatient try saving it from notepad with a .doc extension before you disable the virus checking - it should be immediately detected.

It's harmless, and I found it interesting, because I'm a huge nerd.

Yup

3-6-04 3:51 AM

Well, Linear Algebra is killing me.

Sadly, the problem might not be in the subject matter itself, but in the book I am using.

First of all, I would like to share a quote from a review of this book that I found online: "I would heartily recommend it as a reference book for anyone who has already taken a course in linear algebra, but I would have trouble recommending it as a text for a first course in linear algebra. Beginning students will be confused by it and while more advanced students may be able to see the big picture, linear algebra can and should be presented as a more unified subject than it is here."

Beyond the fragmented and backasswards approach that the review alludes to, the book I am using is starkly lacking in useful examples. In fact, the examples that it does have sometimes confuse the subject matter more than they elucidate it, by working with the exceptional cases that go against the general rules and methodologies.

Conversely, the reviews of the book that my instructor made the class return in favor of this particular book, got sparkling reviews. Unfair.

On the other hand, maybe I'm the problem. I talked to Shankar, who's class at Princeton uses the same book, and he seems to be doing fine.

Well, either way, I have to learn the subject matter to a level that satisfies both myself (see the previous post) and the instructor (one word: midterm). Hence the reason that I am awake right now.

But not for long: goodnight.

3-2-04 2:07 AM

This is something that I decided I would write a while ago, and then just sort of left on the backburner. The reason for this is that, as you will see, it really didn’t turn out as articulate or interesting as I had hoped it would. But no matter; here goes.

I am having trouble figuring out why I do the things that I do. Not really the little things, for those I have long since figured out – or at least I think I have – but the big things; at first glance, I have no real way of explaining why I am choosing my particular path in life. Although I realize that my life is, for the most part, not yet determined, the choice of what to study in college will surely have an enormous effect on it, and yet, I have trouble articulating exactly why I have decided, tentatively, on math and physics. So here is an attempt at figuring things out.

First, we could think about what motivates many other people to learn, and see if these motivational forces apply to me.

A primary motivator that comes to my mind, and hopefully to yours, is money. Some people go to high school and collage with the sole goal of increasing their earning power. And more power to them! Having money is a wonderful thing, especially when this money is earned through your own achievements. However, this cannot possibly be what is motivating me to learn. As you all probably already know from my incessant bragging, I already have the skills and education necessary to make a substantial salary working as a programmer; in fact, becoming a professional programmer right now might be the best financial decision I could make, due to the almost magical effects of early investment and compound interest. Therefore, prolonging my learning is possibly going to decrease the amount of money I have to work with later in life, meaning that finances are not my primary motivation.

Another obvious motivation for learning is interest; many people get enjoyment from learning things, because they are genuinely interested in the things that they are learning. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I’ll say that “year’s ago” this was true of me. Especially in reference to physics, I could possibly quench my desire for new information. Every turn of the page of a physics book or a science magazine was an adventure of unparallel excitement. Every concept mastered was just a step towards mastering new and more interesting ideas. Alas, this is no longer that case. I mean, I obviously don’t hate physics, but it is not as though learning a new formula or concept continues to give me joy. Furthermore, a large chuck of my time is now being spent on, and will continue to be spent on math, in which I never had a particular raw interest. Math has always been a tool for me to understand physics, which I, in turn, no longer particularly yearn to understand for its own sake. Therefore, although I cannot deny that the material is still more interesting to me than most things, it would be a lie to say that interest is the main force that drives me.

So what am I doing? One would hope that I am not attempting the nontrivial task of achieving a double major in physics and math solely as a mechanistic completion of the path I started years ago.

Well, I have concluded that there are three forces at work, one that is pretty universal, one that would be expected of me, and the final which might not be, and yet might supersede all others in importance.

One reason for my choosing physics and math as my majors is that, paradoxically, I am not really ready to choose yet. I am not sure exactly what I want to do with my life; however, I am pretty sure that I want to try and stay in academia. This being as it is, the discipline that allows me the most flexibility in what to specialize in is math. Being the foundation of science in general, I could conceivably get a masters or PhD in everything ranging from math itself, to computer science, to a physical science – generally anything which utilizes applied math. The list is really endless. On top of this, a degree in physics would open even more doors. A physics degree is perceived as even more difficult to attain than a math degree, and thereby, is great to have on a resume, regardless of what job one is applying for. Furthermore, because physics is the most fundamental of all the physical sciences, it furthers my ability to attain an academic position in any scientific field, especially if it is cross-disciplinary. Therefore, this particular choice of degree means that I don’t really have to choose right now what I will do in the future; this was certainly a key factor in my decision.

However, this is a form of beating around the bush. All that I have really said is that I chose the most fundamental sciences so that I could later work in some scientific field; I did not answer the question of what draws me to science in the first place.

Part of the answer, in hindsight at least, is rather obvious. There is a reason that I picked two of the hardest subjects possible for my double major: I am so arrogant as to believe that I am special because I can pull it off. I have always been relatively gifted at science - and at least decent in math - and this success has provided me with a constant source of pride. So barring an unforeseen failure on my part, this degree will basically serve as a validation of my conceit. I’ve never hidden it particularly deeply, but in case it was not blatant, let me expose the fact that I love being praised for my intelligence. Even if that praise is of the most superficial type that is based on awards, diplomas, and titles, I still relish it. Although this is undeniably a flaw, it isn’t one that I am going to get rid of in the foreseeable future, so I might as well bring guaranteed satisfaction to myself in the form a veritable certificate of my intelligence: a degree in math and physics.

However, this need to find a socially acceptable outlet for my bragging, however manifest, is still not the primary factor driving me to learn; contrary to what may be surmised from the previous paragraph, I am not that shallow.

With enough effort put in, almost anyone can get acclaim as a master of some discipline. If all I wanted was a validation of my intelligence, or an outlet for my bragging, I could choose any one of many avenues to acclaim. I could write some bullshit self-help book, or make lots of money, or draw meaningless art; hell, there are a million things that I could theoretically get famous in, and then savor my success. The problem is, while I’m sure that many people would respect me – after all, people respect a myriad of nuts, cranks, and self-proclaimed geniuses – but it is doubtful that I would respect myself. Regardless of my exterior success, I would be well aware that the losers that I just mentioned would be my brethren. There are not the kinds of people that I want to try to emulate.

The reason that I am inexorably pulled toward science and math is that the practitioners of these disciplines are the only people for whom I have true reverence. While I might appreciate the work of an artist, or even marvel at the writing of some brilliant author, I have never felt the same unmitigated adulation that I feel for the great minds of math science. I am not one inclined to worship, but there is not really a better word to describe what I feel towards names like Gauss, Newton, Einstein – the list goes on and on. To me, these people have by far transcended what it means to be human. They cannot possibly have been made of the same garbage that I am. I know that I’m way above average, but the difference between me and average is absolutely nothing compared with the difference between these people and myself.

I know that I can never be one of them, but the respect I have for them is so great that I have to try to get as close to them as I can. I can never create something like the theory of relativity, but perhaps with some effort, I can understand it. I can never invent something as fundamental as calculus, but I can learn it.

Priests – at least the good priests – join the priesthood out of reverence for God. They know that they are not God. They know that they will never become God. But they see God as something so wonderful that they dedicate their lives to His service.

My case is similar. Of course, there are differences: I don’t serve blindly, I don’t sacrifice anything in my quest, I don’t try to convert anyone, etc…. but the underlying reverence is the same. The practitioners of science hold such a grip on me that I can do nothing but to accept it, and learn the concepts they created, and marvel at their brilliance.